Alexis Kirkland: BOO

This is going to sound like ranting. Just a warning.

There are different kinds of fears that we all have, tangible ones, ones that we've been conditioned to have, ones that elicit a response from us upon contact. But for me, far more than my fear of caterp*llars, the appearance of mushrooms, and the visible texture of raw cotton, my biggest fear is failure.

And it's a vicious cycle, really. I always think things are going well, and then one slight mishap will occur, and I will think that I have failed. This applies not only to schoolwork (it's mostly school, though), but to everyday things. If I mess up something, my mood instantly switches from happy and cheery to full of self-hatred and trying not to cry. I'm a big baby, essentially. I wish I could control it, though, as it really hinders my day-to-day life.

I know people make mistakes, and I know no one is perfect. Unfortunately, there's a segment of my mind whispering to me that if it is humanly possible to do something near perfectly, then why can't I do it? What makes me so naturally sub-par? Am I inherently stupid and lazy, with no future for myself? Have I reached the end of my rope?

This all seems like a dumb thing to think, which it is, I know. I guess I can't help but think dumb things, I don't know. I wasn't always like this. This started happening at the end of 9th grade and has never gone away. It really ate me alive last year, my sophomore year. That was the worst year of my life. I was really trying to figure out who I was, and it hurt when I would stumble and fall, naturally, but my mind made it seem like everything was my fault. It didn't help that I couldn't understand any of the content at school. There was a point where I didn't want to look in the mirror one day because of how stupid I felt. I reached a very low point, and I'm not proud of that. All I would do was fail. I could never get anything right. People keep telling me not to compare myself to others but it's hard not to. For example, if it's possible to apply the skills you learn in class on a test, then why can't I do it? Am I stupid? I eventually came to the consensus that yes, I am. Unfortunately I've not gotten past that.

It's even worse when the people closest to you are excelling and you're straggling behind, barely breathing. "Wasn't that test so easy?" Yeah... easy to put my name on, and that's about it. "What did you get on that assignment?" Nothing that should concern you, it's worse than what you got, I can already tell... "Hey can you help me with this problem?' You must be really desperate if you're asking ME for help! I'm the one sitting here digging my nails into the top of my hand because I can't comprehend whatever is going on, and I'm too socially anxious to ask for help because there's some sort of voice telling me that I'm so stupid I don't even deserve help! I always am supportive of my friends who do well in school, though. It's not easy, and somehow they pull it off, and I'm beyond proud of all the things they accomplish.

Now, I refuse to fall back to my lowest point, but I still face my fear of failing every day. It's when I get a bad grade on something I studied for, when I can't get my words out and involuntarily stutter 8 times, when I upset one of my friends. My confidence shrinks, the part of myself that conducts self-hatred takes over and its as if the curtains have closed over my eyes and all I can see is darkness, but I can hear everything clearly. "You're stupid," "You're a disgrace," "You never make anyone proud," "Just stop talking for once." Sometimes it gets too loud and I feel like I can't take it, all the yelling inside, but I mean after a while it stops, and things go back to normal. It's all cool, y'all.

Thankfully, I've always had things like One Direction to pull me out of these trances. Harry will say a dumb joke in an interview, Niall will do something funny onstage, Liam will thank us for some award we've won for them, Louis will gain confidence in his voice and sing his solos a little louder during concerts. It makes me smile and helps me forget about me even being dumb in the first place.