Cars are for the Morticians by Brooks Spears

I was walking down the street today, as I do everywhere, because I realized that I want to stay alive. I mean, why wouldn't I just stroll around the neighborhood, walk from New York to Los Angeles, or swim across the Pacific? The ocean's too dangerous anyway, not to mention shipwrecks. Every time I step onto a vehicle I become weary and step back off. I really don't want to risk death any day.

We have such a high chance of dying in a car accident, right? Every time we step in a motorized vehicle, it's like we're shaking hands with death only to narrowly pull back our hand in the nick of time.

This all brings me to my question about cars: Why do we use them? It doesn't seem very conventional and certainly not very practical to use vehicles that far exceed us in speed. No, that would be ridiculous. We should actively avoid death in every way foreseeable in an attempt to prolong our illustrious lives.

Death can be avoided, trust me. All we have to do is stay out of cars, because they are his dwelling place. So long as we stay away from such vehicles, we'll be safe. Look at those guys from the Titanic, they should've just swam. No one has ever died outside of a vehicle, so if you want to live, then you should stay away from any and all cars, trucks, planes, boats, or even bikes. They're just dangerous.